MY 13 PARTICLES OF FAITH
I believe in God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, and in mankind's innate inability to tell the difference between them and, oh, a giant ball of fire or even an extremely intolerant political party.
I believe that men will be punished for their own transgressions, including stuff we did completely by accident or because of testosterone. Women will probably just get probation.
I believe that through the atonement of Christ, everyone will one day be able to tell annoying church authorities where to get off.
I believe that the first principles and ordinances of the church are: boring speakers, meetings that last forever, music that sounds like someone giving a whale a sonogram, food storage gone bad, and idiotic bickering over caffeine and movie ratings.
I believe that a man must be called by God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands, by those who are in authority, and that only regular long distance rates will apply. Meanwhile, women answer only to a biological clock.
I believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, viz.: deacons, teachers, centurions, lepers, thieves, virgins, lunatics, mustard seeds, and demonically possessed swine.
I believe in the gift of tongues and would die a happy man if, just once, some smart-ass would have the guts to try it when I was around.
I believe the Bible and the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as far as I personally can translate them correctly, which I try not to do much because it scares me.
I believe all that God has revealed, all that he does now reveal, and I believe he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the colossal foolishness of the entire human race.
I believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes, most of whom will work for Microsoft; that Zion will be built on this (the United States) continent by undocumented migrant labor, and that Christ will eventually rain personality on the church.
I claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to it being none of your damn business, and allow all men the same privilege, except for Pat Robertson, Louis Farrakhan, and most cannibals.
I believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers and magis. . . . wait, no I don't.
I believe in being honest to a point, true to myself, chased by the police, benevolent to deserving people, virtuous on the
Internet, and in doing whatever my wife tells me to do; indeed, I may say that I follow the admonition of Paul in believing, hoping and enduring-and that all of this damn well better be worth it in the end.
