Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Book of Zelph


Brothers and Sisters,

I would be truly ungrateful if I did not stand before you this day and bear my testimony concerning the Book of Zelph. The Book of Zelph is an ancient record, inscribed on plates of leather, that the Lord revealed to Josh Anderson, his latter-day prophet, seer, revelator, and translator. It truly is another testament of the Book of Mormon, confirming its truths and answering difficult questions like, "how did Lamanites get Asian DNA?" God has truly not left us helpless in these perilous times. No longer need we rely on FARMS apologists and their LGTs and whatnot. I have tested the divinity of this work according to the promise recorded in Melph (5:4):

And I promise thee that if ye ask if this book be not true, and roll a pair of dice with a sincere heart, and desire exceedingly for the book to be true, yea, the dice shall reveal the truthfulness of this book unto thee.

I rolled the dice many times, and they did come up with the right answer... eventually.

In the name of Cheese and Rice, Amen.

Here lies Hiram.

Thurl Bailey ROCKS!

Just when I thought I would never see a Mormon celebrity with some pizazz, I stumbled upon the website of Thurl Bailey, former member of the Utah Jazz. Go check him out for yourself at www.ThurlBailey.com. President Hinckley should look into getting the GAs webpage intros like that one!

The Church is as true as the Gospel, or is it?

True is a word that covers, well, almost anything in Mormonism. "The Church is true" is one of those all-purpose phrases that tends to end anything approaching interesting or controversial speech in the LDS Church. Not surprisingly, there has been some confusion over precisely what is to be considered 'true' and what is not necessarily to be considered so.

In the area of apologetics, something is to be defended as true until it is no longer useful, or it is even embarrassing, to do so. Wonderful new definitions of Book of Mormon geography and ethnicity are springing up in response to the troubling realization that perhaps the book does not live up to its own claims. There is a hierarchy of true that helps apologists navigate these troubled times. At the pinnacle, or core, depending on how you picture it, reside those things that must be maintained in order to have any excuse for an LDS Church, period. Just about anything else is up for grabs and may be dumped to protect what really must be true for the sake of institutional survival.

It was fashionable at one time to separate the trueness of the Church from the trueness of the Gospel. An LDS GA even had the cajones to speak about it in the October General Conference of 1984. His name was Ronald Poehlman. His message was inspirational. He suggested that the Church was merely a vehicle or tool for transmitting the Gospel. Members might utilize it to their own benefit, but they should not mistake the Church for the really important stuff--the Gospel.

Well, the powers that be did not approve of that one bit. They had Ron rewrite the whole thing, or, rather, they rewrote it for him. Members needed to know that the Church was indispensible, and that without the Church there could be no Gospel. There could be no rebel hippie types inspired by the free-wheeling thoughts of Mr. Poehlman. He was required to re-record his talk so that history could be changed for you and me. Check the record. You'd never know the original talk was ever offered.

Another interesting view came from Eugene England, who wrote "Why the Church is As True As the Gospel." His fascinating argument essentially boils down to this: it takes an organization as screwed up as the LDS Church to test your soul enough to get into the highest degree of celestial glory. No other organization could possibly offer the same challenge to your sanity and self-respect. Only the LDS Church, therefore, is true enough to allow you to experience the soul-wrenching trials promised in the true LDS Gospel. They are a match made in heaven. OK. This is admittedly my reading of his talk.

I have yet another interesting perspective. The Church is a human organization rooted in the career of the self-proclaimed prophet Joseph Smith. Joseph had some cool ideas, and some damned stupid ones. You can tell which ones were stupid partly from they way they contributed to his assassination. You know, ideas like polygamy and destroying a printing press that did not belong to him. The heirs of Smith have some nifty and some stupid ideas too. I'll leave it to you to sort out which ideas fall into which category--and this is the way it should be.

As a human organization, the LDS Church can be altered to suit better the needs of its members. Unfortunately, because most Mormons tend to deify the Church, they have no appreciation of this fact. They also have no idea of the power of their voices. They believe that the leaders of the LDS Church hold all the power, and that these leaders alone have the right to make changes. So, the Church goes trundling along, sprouting ex-members in its wake. And it never asks itself whether crucial course corrections are in order.

Instead we hear delightful talks from leaders like Elder Bednar, who places all the blame for leaving on individuals who take offense at things they shouldn't be offended by. Surely, no one could have a real reason for leaving, because, from the Bednar perspective, such a thing does not exist. Or there is Elder Ballard who tells people just to chill out and not fret over stats to the point that these mean more than people. Once again, the people need to change, not the organization. It is close to perfect.

NEWS FLASH! Organizational problems are not always the fault of individual members! Outside of the LDS Church, people sometimes realize that if an organization has problems, the problem just may be the organization's! But if you maintain that the Church is true in the sense that God has put everything in place as it is and only he can change it, responsibility can only lie with the poor schmucks who just don't get the divine plan. It is they who need to change and to repent. The Church is as close to perfect as anything can be. Boy, you were really silly not to see that.

I propose that we approach our Mormonism in the spirit of the old, hatcheted Poehlman talk. You have the power and responsibility of choosing things in this life. We used to call that "free agency." You have the freedom to think that the Church may indeed have problems, which someone could fix if they would extract their heads from their asses. You can go to Church or not go. You can believe in what Joseph Smith taught on issue "X" or not. You can be Mormon and drink the damned coffee. Are you going to hell? Are you even going to a lower kingdom? Hell no. Let God be the judge of that. Or, if you don't believe in God, to hell with it.

My own little spot on the DAMU

Nothing excites my vanity like the thought that every once in a blue moon one of those cybernauts with an interest in Mormonism--positive or negative--drops by my little corner of cyberspace. I have only recently become aware that this blog is linked at a couple of other websites on the DAMU.

I also discovered that I am not the only peep stone owner out there. Little did I know that the prophecy of everyone having their own seerstone would be fulfilled right before my eyes! Just one more on a long list of confirmations that the Gospel is true.

One of my fellow "peepers" (I just couldn't resist) is named Simeon. Poor Simeon recently suffered a trauma in his DAMU life when his dear wife ratted him out for his wicked blogging. My sympathies to Simeon. I too have gazed into the stone and seen the darkness that lies within. I too have written down my revelations for posterity. I am just grateful my spouse never took it up with local Church leaders.

Sadly, Simeon is not alone. There are many LDS spouses out there whose love of God extends so far as to sacrifice marital trust. These spouses believe, as does the Church that trained them, that one must simply act out of a regard for the eternal welfare of another's soul, even if that means screwing them over royally in the short term. It's kind of like those good old days, when Joseph or Brigham called a man on a mission and then promptly took his wife and property--or doled them out to other worthy brethren. They know what's best for you. Really.

When people can be convinced that all of this is somehow part of the divine will, they can be convinced of nearly anything. And that is how we end up with people who sell out their spouses to the LDS Church.